From Cool Britannia to Cringe Britannia: Starmer’s mission to China shows us what country he’s selling

Remember Cool Britannia? Under Keir Starmer’s premiership, the UK feels more like cringe Britannia. But wait, the PM is in China to try and flog a more dynamic vision of Britain, while maybe doing some deals. Could this prove me wrong?

I suspect the Chinese know full well that we’re a bit desperate these days, having flounced out of the EU, with a bunch of yahoos waiting in the wings determined to make a bad situation worse for our political landscape. There’s not much point in resetting relations with Europe when any deal is likely to get torn up in the future.

But wait, we’re here to talk China, which is the world’s second biggest economy, and Britain’s third biggest trading partner. So jetting off there, and making a big fuss about it, makes sense, right? There’s money to be made and a desperate need for anything that might stimulate a bit of growth. Even if this is China, which worries people.

A cursory look at the list of people tagging along with Starmer on this trip says a lot about where Britain is, and it’s not all good. It’s debatable whether the mining company Anglo American – near the top on account of its spelling – is even British. This huge multinational employs 60,000 people globally, of whom just 458 are based in this country.

You can see why it wanted a party invite. Anglo sells natural resources, which China is hungry for. However, the net benefit to Britain of any deals it does is hard to see.

When it comes to genuinely British companies that do stuff here, what stands out is how light on manufacturing they are. Brompton is going, I suppose. It makes great folding bikes, which Chinese companies have been cloning (and, to be fair, China is far from alone in doing that).

But Brompton is hardly an industrial giant. Yes, yes, there’s Jaguar Land Rover, too, fresh from its cyber attack and that disastrous Jaguar concept design. Is this a selling point? Consider what a German delegation might look like. Do you see?

Of course, one sector in which Britain remains strong when it comes to bashing metal and making stuff is defence. But there’s no way BAE Systems or Rolls-Royce is being allowed anywhere near a trade delegation to China.

Nor is there much in the way of tech, for similar reasons. Amid reports that Team Britain is going armed with burner phones to prevent any snooping, that’s a big fat no, other than a couple of small indie games publishers I’ve never heard of.

Banks, fund managers, and private equity are heavily represented. Selling services is something this country does well, and leaving them out of the Brexit deal was one of its major weaknesses.

Pharma, too. There’s AstraZeneca – still just about British, but it might not stay that way given the noise it's been making about heading to Wall Street – and GSK. That actually makes sense. Ditto the clean energy firms and the cultural element of museums, orchestras, galleries and book festivals.

But the inclusion of Table Tennis England made me chuckle. We’re a long way from the days when the real-life inspiration for Oscar contender Marty Supreme came over here as the plucky American upstart seeking to upend the world of ping pong by taking on one of the sports world powers.

The game may have got started here, but England today is barely an also-ran. It has only two men in the top 100-ranked players, neither of whom is in the top 50. China has the world’s top two and roughly a quarter of the top 25. The women’s game has a Welsh player in its top 50 in Anna Hursey, but that’s it. China, by contrast, has the top four and six of the top ten.

So this is a bit like China sending the head of its 93rd-ranked men’s football team over here in the hope that people will notice. But, hey, perhaps Starmer could persuade China to send us a coach or two? We could use the help.

“For years, our approach to China has been dogged by inconsistency – blowing hot and cold, from Golden Age to Ice Age. But like it or not, China matters for the UK,” Starmer said in the cringeworthy official announcement.

Mockery aside, he’s not wrong. China will, after all, at some point become the world’s biggest economy. Not engaging would be a case of Britain cutting off its nose to spite its face, one of those rare fields in which it leads the world.

Whether it matters to China, which has a small army of people doing everything they can to get their hands on the British wares that it really wants, but it won’t sell? Debatable.

Still, you can’t blame Starmer for jumping on a plane. Reform is riding high in the polls, and Andy Burnham is throwing an extended hissy fit, along with Labour’s awkward squad. It’s not much fun at home.

If the PM can shoot down my cynicism and emerge with something beyond getting Brompton some compensation from the companies making folding bikes that look just like its original, it might be worth it. But I fear he’ll have to work hard to persuade people to set aside their misgivings, and persuasion is not something that Starmer has shown much talent for.