A friend has dropped me because of an argument between our kids

Dear Vix,

I have a really good mate that I met way back when our kids were tiny at a local parents’ group. I ended up splitting parental leave with my wife, so I was off for quite a while. It can be really hard to make “dad friends” and when we met and got on, I was stoked.

We used to meet up a couple of times a week – sometimes even more – at the park and for coffee; we’d take our babies to local nursery playgroups and always sit together. People used to joke we were like the Two Ronnies, because we got on so well and always riffed off each other’s sense of humour. Our wives got along too, so as the years went by, we’ve been on family holidays and supported each other as we’ve had more children. We’ve even spent Christmas and new year together.

Now, though, we’re in the middle of a rift and I can’t help but feel pretty heartbroken about it. The issue is that our eldest kids started at the same high school this year – and mine has fallen in with a group which has a “mean girl” in it who bullied the other child when they were at primary school together. I knew about the bullying back then and felt awful about it – but I don’t even know the girl now she’s grown up. She might have changed her ways – my kid certainly seems to get on with her just fine.

The fact that my child is friends with this girl who used to bully my mate’s daughter has gone down like a lead balloon. He’s stopped returning my calls and messages, makes excuses whenever I suggest meeting up and ghosted me when I asked if we would be getting together, as usual, over the holidays. I don’t know what to do. I believe in giving people second chances and can’t help thinking that this “mean girl” deserves that, too. It’s been years since she was a young bully. But if it were my daughter who had been bullied, would I forgive that easily?

I’m torn: can’t we just let the teenagers figure it out for themselves? Or should I be more loyal and stop my kid from hanging out with this girl who used to bully her friend? All I know is, I miss my mate.

Confused

Dear Confused,

Oh my, I do not envy you. I can only give you my perspective as a parent, but when it comes to your child (and I’m sure you know this anyway!), sometimes your feelings deny rationality. Of course, this “mean girl” might have grown up and changed her ways and probably has – little kids can be harsh without realising what they’re doing and without being emotionally aware enough to understand the impact of their actions.

If you’re under 10, should you be given the chance to grow up and change your ways? Absolutely. I think we’d all agree with this – at least in theory.

Saying that, though, if a child bullied your daughter, years ago (and everyone else had forgotten about it and let it go), does that mean you would too? Not likely. It might not be very mature of us, but we can find it very difficult indeed to forgive and forget those who were ever complicit in causing our children pain. The scars of being bullied can last for years.

Many things can be true at the same time, and I think it would be helpful to reflect on what your mate is going through: his beloved child was bullied by another child. He would have seen his kid go through heartache and sorrow – those tears and tantrums will be etched permanently into his consciousness.

Meanwhile, your child is now friends with the “bully”. It might not be sensible or reasonable, but I imagine he feels “betrayed” and (rightly or wrongly) believes your child to be acting without loyalty. But the only person he can take that hurt out on is you.

Blood can often feel thicker than water and, in this instance, you’re as good as family to each other. He probably expects your child to have his child’s back – no matter what. And this situation (again, rightly or wrongly) doesn’t feel that way. It feels like the opposite.

Now, what to do about it? I can only think of one thing, but it’ll be tough: you’re going to have to talk to him about it if you want to preserve the friendship. I would definitely do this in person. Don’t hide behind text or WhatsApp. Ask him if he’ll meet you for a walk or a drink – away from the kids – and tell him you have something you really need to talk to him about.

Then, when he accepts, start by telling him how much you value your bond and how you hate how distant you’ve become. Ask him – with an open heart – if there’s anything he’d like to share with you. And then do the really hard part: listen (without interruption).

My hunch is that much of this fracture will be fixed by the time you’ve aired your feelings about it. And try to remember: this is about the two of you. The kids themselves can replicate this kind of conflict resolution if they see how well their dads nail it. You’re not only attempting to fix it, but you’re being a good parent. Good luck.

Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk