‘Unhappy do us part’: Readers reflect on marriages and relationships that didn’t last

Independent readers have been reflecting on why marriages and long-term relationships sometimes fail, sparking debate over the challenges couples face.

Many shared personal experiences of break-ups, divorce, or marriages that ended unexpectedly, highlighting that unresolved issues, lack of communication, or emotional withdrawal often escalate rather than resolve once couples tie the knot.

Some noted that patterns of affection and attention – or the absence thereof – can signal deeper problems long before the relationship officially ends.

Others reflected on the pressures of cohabitation, suggesting that living together for years does not guarantee stability and can sometimes create a false sense of security.

Several readers emphasised that leaving a relationship, though painful, can ultimately be liberating, allowing individuals to recognise toxic dynamics or find partners better suited to them.

The story of Eve Simmons, whose husband left just six months into their marriage, illustrates many of these points. Her experience of a “blindsiding” breakup, where red flags were only understood in hindsight, resonated with readers who have faced similar sudden endings.

Many agreed that love and commitment alone cannot guarantee a lasting marriage; relationships require ongoing attention, mutual respect, and honest communication.

Here’s what you had to say:

I think the only intelligent thing one can say is that sometimes things just don't work out, and the blame game doesn't get anyone anywhere.

There used to be a commitment to marriage, but I think nowadays it often ends up more like a knot that is going to be painful to undo one day. Full marks for trying – the sooner you find out it's wrong, the sooner you can both be in a better place in life.

MJAF

I (a man, for those unfamiliar with Irish nomenclature) had a similar shock break-up about twenty years ago. Fortunately, I was 'only' newly engaged (about a month, as memory serves) at the time, so although in the way of the breakup I was subject to several months of gaslighting followed by a short campaign of open hostility (some of which had me close to issuing a legal writ), I didn't have to contend with the legalities of divorce, or any attempt to take my home from me (we had not been long-term cohabiters prior to that, thankfully).

In time, of course, I also came to realise what a blessing it actually was. Less, ironically, due to the gradual realisation that it was a toxic and damaging relationship for me, and more because the scales fell from my eyes and I could see the lady in question for who she really was, and how she treated other people.

Lucky escape. Rarely ever think about it all these years later, but this article reminded me and provoked a wry chuckle at how much that breakup improved my life – for all I'd not have wanted to hear that at the time!

PadraigMahone

"But failing to acknowledge – and respond to – needs for physical affection is a big fat sign to get the hell out of there."

Indeed. I realised my marriage was over when sex was a distant memory that only one of us seemed to miss, and my wife had stopped calling me "darling" or "my love" in favour of "mate".

My now-partner ended her own marriage for very similar reasons.

UsagiSan

This is not just a millennial problem – it happens at any age. I am in my 50s, married to a man several years older than me. After a relationship of 11 years, of which five were a marriage, things have unravelled and out of the blue he told me he was 'sick' of me and my family and he couldn't wait to get away from us all.

This followed a period of emotional and physical withdrawal by him, which I have struggled to understand but have supported with patience and loyalty. My advice: don't fall victim to the weakness of these men. Let them go and find your own strength. They don't deserve us.

Janey66-2017

Unfortunately, when relationships are actually in trouble, some couples end up trying to put a plaster on it, like getting married or having a baby, thinking it will bring them closer together. In fact, it only makes the eventual split worse.

Also, the other partner will sometimes hang around to support their partner through medical or other troubles, either out of a sense of duty or just because it'll make them look bad – even when the reason for wanting to leave is nothing to do with the trouble.

Mark Simpson

Why do we feel like relationships need to last forever, when more commonly they just don't?

Rather than framing an ending as a completely failed marriage and spending time and energy working out what we could have done differently, can't we accept that things ran their course, we had a nice time together, and then when we didn't anymore, we parted ways? 'Death do us part' is no longer the normality – how about 'Unhappy do us part'?

EDJules

The issue seems to be getting married. Sometimes I think people in long term relationships decide to get married because there are signs its not going in the right direction and they hope the marriage will paper over the cracks. Possibly also, after marriage, people stop trying so hard.

Slightly Tipsy Max

Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.

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