I can’t cope with the school holidays – they make me feel like a bad parent

Dear Vix,

I just can’t cope with the school holidays – I find them so stressful! I have to juggle them all by myself because my partner has a job where he has to be in the office, whereas I work remotely and from home. Except: I can hardly work at all, because the kids are such a handful.

Not only are the holidays too expensive to go anywhere fun – (flying abroad? Forget it )– but all the museums, play centres, parks and cinemas near us are crowded and overwhelming and unbearable. The kids get bored quickly and I feel guilty if I don’t take them out or plan something fun for them to do, every day. I feel bad that they end up slobbing around in front of the TV while I’m trying to have meetings with my team on Zoom – and worry that when their teacher asks them at the start of school what everybody did during half-term, mine will say “nothing” – while their classmates were away skiing, or somewhere even more exotic.

Meanwhile, I’m conscious that work probably judges me for getting interrupted when we’re on a call by a crying child or a demand for “snacks” – my younger colleagues are all in the office, while every half-term I have to WFH. I also have to lie to my boss and take sneaky breaks while I’m at home, to entertain the kids and take them out for a bit – or at least sit in the same room as them.

We don’t have childcare support or family anywhere nearby so it invariably falls to me to juggle both work and the kids – it doesn’t even seem to occur to my partner to take time off (I think he’d much rather take holiday when the kids are at school so he can actually relax!). And I can’t take every half-term off, because I need to save my allowance for the long, six-week summer break. I’m already dreading it.

I know this won’t last forever and I will look back and miss them when they are old enough not to need me at school holidays. But why does it have to be so hard?

Frazzled Mother

Dear Frazzled Mother,

Well done – you’ve spoken for frazzled mothers everywhere. I feel your pain like it is my own. And I am absolutely sure I am not the only one.

First of all (as I’m very aware people like to say “what about men?” in the comments): of course, it’s not only mothers juggling childcare at school holidays. Plenty of dads, grandads and carers are also left dealing with the load – but it is an indisputable fact that in our society the bulk of the domestic labour is done (and is still expected to be done) by women. Just look at the data.

We know, for example, that during the Covid pandemic, women carried out three hours and 18 minutes of daily childcare duties – including feeding, washing and dressing their kids – on average during lockdown, compared to men, who only did two hours. This, despite battling the exact same pressures as men, including remote working and homeschooling.

We also know – during the pandemic – that more than 70 per cent of working mothers who asked to be furloughed in the wake of school closures had those requests refused. That left the majority of us with young children doing exactly what you are doing now: attempting frantically to both work and parent; to homeschool our kids during lockdown and still bring in a salary. Juggling all the plates, all at once, with the weights stacked against us.

And it’s not exclusive to the pandemic (that just provided a handy snapshot of the stark realities of women’s lives), but is a perennial issue that is deeply entrenched: studies show that women globally do between four and eight hours more unpaid domestic labour than men, even when we work full-time. About 91 per cent of women with children spend at least an hour per day on housework, compared with 30 per cent of men with children. And women in the UK provide 23.2 billion hours of unpaid childcare per year – compared to 9.7 billion by men.

I could go on and on and on – but I probably don’t need to. We all know that in heteronormative families, the majority (with exceptions, of course) of the childcare and domestic chores (such as cooking, cleaning and laundry) are still heavily skewed in terms of gender. And you bet it grates!

My heart absolutely goes out to you for all you’re carrying, juggling and struggling with. You are a superwoman. Let me tell you now that we all see it – and we laud you for it. As for what to do to help you, though, that’s a trickier problem.

What I have tried in the past (if being blunt and telling your partner that he needs to step in and help out doesn’t work – or if he really can’t take even one day’s holiday over half-term, which I am sceptical about) is team up with other parents who are on leave. I have done half-day “swaps”, for example, where one of us has all the kids from 9am to lunchtime, then we swap over for the afternoon. It means you can plan your work meetings, hopefully, to fit into the time when your house is calm and quiet.

We have also done whole day “swaps” where one of us takes four kids to the park or to one of our houses – and we gift the other one a whole day “off” a day or two later. If you do want to take them out, it doesn’t have to be a big, expensive day trip – most museums are free and there are plenty of activities at childcare centres and libraries during the school holidays.

But to be completely honest, I swear by the simple, at-home playdate during school breaks more than any other, especially if (like me) you have two children. They can each have a friend and entertain themselves. You do not need to think up games for them to play – kids are always at their most creative when they get a little bored. You, meanwhile, can hide in a corner and get whatever you need done (except for the occasional call for snacks).

Lastly, I totally appreciate the “mum guilt” you feel both at home and at work, but you are going to have to show yourself the kind of compassion you would give to any other friend in your situation. You are doing – and trying – your best. Your kids and colleagues know that. Take a breath and repeat to yourself: “I am amazing.” Because you are.

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