A case of dramatic irony

There is a very unusual case going on in the High Court at the moment, the outcome of which might change the whole law on medical negligence and malpractice. It is believed to be the first time in which a man is being sued for medical malpractice even though he is not a doctor. The defendant, Gary Stimkins, was flying on a plane to America when... But perhaps an extract from the trial will explain things better.

We join the trial at the moment when Stimkins is being cross-questioned by the prosecution.

Counsel: Your name is Stimkins?

Stimkins: It is.

Counsel: You are an actor by profession?

Stimkins: I am.

Counsel: And yet you expect this court to believe that Stimkins is your real name?

Stimkins: Why should they not?

Counsel: Most members of Equity are obliged to use a false name.

Stimkins: Not in my case. When I joined Equity, there was no actor called Gary Stimkins, so I kept my real name as my professional name. However, when I became well-known I tried to preserve some anonymity by adopting a false name in private life.

Counsel: Hold on. Are you saying that your stage name is your real name, but that the name you use in private life is a false name?

Stimkins: Yes.

Counsel: And can you tell us what this private false name is?

Stimkins: No.

Counsel: Why not?

Stimkins: I prefer not to let people know about it. It has nothing to do with this case.

Counsel: But surely, when the events of the case took place, you were travelling under your real-life false name?

Stimkins: No. I always travel under my stage name of Gary Stimkins. I find that my fame helps me to get upgraded.

Counsel: I see. Now, this celebrity, I think I am right in saying, comes from your long-running appearance in a popular TV hospital drama called Passion Wing.

Stimkins: That is correct.

Counsel: You play the part of Dr Murdoch Jameson?

Stimkins: That is correct. I play the part of the handsome, greying but still young Dr Murdoch Jameson, a Lothario with an eye for the girls yet an almost miraculous knowledge of medicine, whose easy authority makes him a favourite among patients and nurses alike. I would never betray the Hippocratic oath. My marriage vows? They, I am afraid, are not so invulnerable. In episodes 17 to 26 I had a passionate affair with...

Counsel: Mr Stimkins!

Stimkins: Yes?

Counsel: The court has better things to do than listen to a résumé of Passion Wing!

Woman juror: No it hasn't! Tell us more, Dr Jameson! And tell us about this new flame-haired anaesthetist, Rhoda, who has recently arrived from New Zealand! Do you really have the hots for her?

Judge: I will not have this in my court! Replace that juror!

After a fierce struggle, the woman juror is replaced by a rather small shopkeeper.

Judge: New juror, I trust that you do not have a crush on Dr Jameson.

New juror: Not personally, sir. But in my shops I rent out very many videos of Passion Wing to many ladies, so he is very valuable to me.

Judge: Then I shall be keeping an eye on you. Carry on, Mr Parsley.

Counsel: Thank you, m'lud. Now, Mr Stimkins, I believe that in July last year you were flying to America when a call came over the PA system asking whether there were any doctors on board.

Stimkins: That is so.

Counsel: And when no doctor was forthcoming, did the steward not then come to you, saying that as a well-known TV doctor you might be able to help?

Stimkins: That is so. I pointed out that I only acted as a doctor, and that they would not get a man who acted a pilot to fly the plane, but the steward said that I was the nearest thing they had to a doctor, and that if I didn't look at the patient, nobody would. And so it was with a sinking heart that I found myself involved in the most difficult scene of my life, apart perhaps from the scene when I, as Dr Jameson, come home to find my wife in the arms of another man, who promptly has a heart attack and I have to decide whether to revive him or not...

New juror: That is episode 37. We rent that out very often. Many women love that episode. My wife included.

Judge: If anyone else in the jury interrupts, I shall have you all replaced. Let us adjourn for lunch.

More of this tomorrow, I hope