Brett Kavanaugh went to confession and now he's been absolved of all his sins

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Bless me, Father, for I have, uh… just bless me, OK?

I bless you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. How long has it been since your last confession, my son?

Uh, wow, that feels like an attack, Father. I could ask you the same question.

Pardon?

Are you going to answer the question or not, Father? How long has it been since your last confession?

I don’t know why you’d ask me that, son. I think we best move on. What is it that you came here today to confess?

Confess? Who says I have anything to confess, Father?

Well, you did voluntarily walk into a confessional this morning, didn’t you?

I don’t like what you’re implying, Father. I have my calendar right here, and it shows exactly where I’ve been all morning. You can see it clearly says I had skis with Judge, Tom, PJ, Bernie and Squi this morning.

Skis?

Brewskis, Father. It’s a drinking thing. Like Devil’s Triangle. Google it.

So you’ve been drinking this morning? Is that what you’ve come to confess?

Jesus, that’s a vicious accusation, Father. Who put you up to this? Was it left-wing dark money?

I don’t think you should –

FFFF them, Father. I know it was a calculated hit by the Clintons. They’ll do anything to make it look like I’m not a choir boy.

You were a choir boy?

Well, I mean, it depends on your definition of choir boy.

A boy who sings in the choir.

Whoa, whoa! I don’t like the sound of that, Father. I’m a straight-up, beer-drinking, woman-loving heterosexual. You know I like beer, right?

So I’ve heard.

Yeah, so that’s what I wanted to ask you about, Father.

Proceed, my son.

Do you think, Father... well, do you think that if a guy – like a regular, beer-boofing guy – drinks a lot of beer and sometimes even blacks out, he should admit it?

Everything should be admitted to God, my son.

But let’s face facts, Father. If this guy were to admit he blacked out dozens, possibly hundreds, of times when he was young and maybe even a handful of times since then, hell, if he admitted he blacked out just once, wouldn’t they be able to say he might have, well, you know, acted like a bit of a jerk with this one woman?

Was it just one, son?

Silence.

Remember the path to absolution begins with a full examination of your conscience, my son.

OK, maybe more than one, Father.

So two?

I wouldn’t say that.

Three?

Let’s not get caught up in the numbers, Father. The point isn’t how many women there were. It’s how little the poor guy remembers. Or rather wants to remember. I mean, if a tree falls in the forest –

In this scenario, are you the tree?

Who said we were talking about me?

I’m sorry, my son. Were you not confessing?

Here we go with the attacks again! I came here for a little compassion, a little understanding, maybe even some blanket forgiveness, and this is what I get, Father?

I apologise, my son. What exactly is it that you want me to forgive?

The truth is, Father, it’s been 36 years since my last confession –

WOW.

Would you shut it, Father, and just let me get this out? So, yeah, 36 years, and since then I’ve lied approximately 42,137 times, I’ve gotten let’s just say “handsy” with probably about 20 – no, better make it 50 to be safe – women, I’ve cheated at every game I’ve ever played in my life, and I take the Lord’s name in vain every time I see a Senate Democrat. Don’t even get me started on the words I use when I see Hillary.

Is that all, my son?

OK, fine, I skip church all the damn time too. I mean, come on, Father. Without any beer, it’s just incredibly boring.

I cannot disagree with that statement. Is that all?

Yeah, I think so, Father.

Thank you for your courage, my son. This can’t have been easy for you.

It’s been hell, Father. People truly don’t know how hard this has been for me.

I understand, my son. Now, for your penance, please say 10 Hail Marys, an Our Father, and an Act of Contrition. And I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.