Behind the curtain: The lurid fun of an ‘adults only’ pantomime

THE NAUGHTY PANTOMIME

It was adults only at The Kenton in Henley-on-Thames:

Halfway through Sleeping With Beauty a pale and ghostly

Seven-foot inflated phallus stepped onto the stage,

Air-filled testicles bouncing against the footsteps of its inner man

As he was followed by two more, the balls of one deflating

And dragging on the floor, to the hysterical observations

Of an enthusiastic audience. Was Prince Charming

Really sleeping with Beauty? Or with the rest of the cast?

As I write this down, I realise our confusion was because

The sexes were exchanged and nothing as it seemed

Was meant to last, except our laughter and the bright green dildo

In the gift bag on the theatre shelf, put there for safety and effect

By an actor acting as a spellbound elf. Maleficent,

In his skin-tight black with glittering horns, untied the story’s end

With menacing grace and a crimson smile so wide

It cracked the layers of chalk upon his face from side to side.

When Princess Rose broke into song like a hyper-sexed canary

The expressions of astonishment on the faces of my friends

Were just as entertaining as the fat moustachioed queen,

And the sparkling pink rhetoric of the pantomime fairy.