Ellie Goulding and the big problem with baby showers that no one is talking about

Ellie Goulding had a cosy and over-the-top 1970s-themed baby shower at the weekend, inspired by Apple TV’s Palm Royale, with the boyband Blue turning up to provide the entertainment.

The 39-year-old singer, who is welcoming her and her boyfriend Beau Minniear’s first child, can be seen in a clip posted to her supermodel friend Brooks Nader’s Instagram stories, sitting on a stool, heavily pregnant in a pink Versace mini dress, singing along to the band’s hit “One Love”, while wearing pink shades and a baseball cap.

“Don’t bother inviting me to a baby shower if it ain’t this fun,” Nader captioned the post.

Goulding, who already shares four-year-old son Arthur with ex-husband Caspar Jopling, also donned a sash reading “Preggs” in another photo — a reference to high-street bakery Greggs, presumably because she’s craving carbs since getting pregnant.

Although baby showers are a long-standing tradition in the US, they became a hit trend in the UK and other countries in the early 2000s, followed swiftly by gender reveals around 2011, and are heavily influenced by celebrity culture.

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The more showy-offy the better. Who can forget Meghan Markle’s star-studded baby shower for her first child, Prince Archie, in 2019? It was hosted by Serena Williams at New York City’s The Mark Hotel in a $75,000 lavish penthouse suite, with celebrity guests including Amal Clooney and CBS anchor Gayle King, who did flower arranging as part of the bash’s activities.

Extravagant gifts, including a cotton candy machine, were dropped into a crib by the door on arrival, and the event was heavily criticised in the media for its excess, despite being privately funded by Williams, with Meghan’s return journey to the UK reportedly on the Clooneys’ jet.

Likewise, Sofia Richie celebrated her latest baby shower in January with an intimate, country-club-style, pyjama-themed brunch, which doubled as a gender reveal to announce she is expecting a baby boy with husband Elliot Grainge. Richie is seen processing in yellow silk pyjamas and a dressing gown, followed by an army of girlfriends also in nightwear, to a sit-down lunch complete with cocktails and a jazz band.

The trouble is, there is a big problem with baby showers that no one is talking about. Like at Goulding’s baby shower, apart from the entertainment, there are often no other men in sight. That’s because baby showers are traditionally focused solely on the mother-to-be, with an all-female guest list who are expected to bring all the cluck and fuss to the proceedings.

Baby showers reinforce old-fashioned gender roles in parenting — and are well and truly out of date. They signal that babies are a woman’s responsibility, while men traditionally go out with their mates on a boozy “wet the baby’s head” night out once the child has been born.

While baby showers are packaged as a fun all-female bonding session, much like hen nights, they also position childcare as exclusively women’s work and normalise absent dads. These social rituals herd women into accepting the role of mother while potentially propping up a heteropatriarchy. And that’s why I didn’t have one.

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Despite being desperate for help with baby gear and to be lavished with mum-and-baby gifts and adorable mini-me dresses when I knew I was having two daughters in 2016 and 2018, I couldn’t think of anything worse than an all-female party that excludes men.

Is it any wonder many dads feel left out of child-rearing – or leave it to their female partners? Fathers already get a raw deal when it comes to paternity leave, with campaigners arguing that it sends a clear message that fathers are not really valued or supported.

Fathers get two weeks’ paternity leave paid at £187.18, or 90 per cent of their average weekly earnings (whichever is lower). Since 2011, dads have also had the right to take up to six months’ unpaid leave during the child’s first year – if the mother returns to work. Men can also opt for shared parental leave (SPL), allowing them to share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay with the baby’s mum.

But just three in five fathers (63 per cent) took two weeks or less of paternity leave following the birth of their most recent child. According to research in 2024 by Pregnant Then Screwed, 70.6 per cent of fathers who used only part of their entitlement said it was because they couldn’t afford to stay off work any longer. And approximately 3,700 fathers lost their jobs last year as a direct result of taking paternity leave, according to new research from The Dad Shift.

There is also the stigma surrounding stay-at-home dads – as portrayed by the often emasculated Kevin Brady, played by Paul Ready, in BBC sitcom Motherland, who is desperately trying to fit into the female-dominated parenting social scene, with society still conditioned to regard men primarily as breadwinners.

Although the number of dads leaving the workforce to care for their children in the UK rose by a third between 2019 and 2022, according to Office for National Statistics data, “house husbands” remain very much in the minority, representing just 1.7 per cent of all men living with dependent children, compared with 13.9 per cent of women in the equivalent category.

Fathers are also excluded from specialist perinatal mental health services in the UK, despite up to 13 per cent of dads being thought to experience depression during pregnancy and early parenthood. Stay-at-home dads are similarly left out of conversations with early learning centres, which often do little to engage fathers because the message remains that it’s all about mums.

While it’s true that baby showers provide a space for women to bond, these norms can create a “pink-blue divide” that shapes self-perception, career opportunities, and self-expression.

A survey conducted by parenting site Netmums in 2019 revealed that nearly three-quarters (74 per cent) of women said they still do the majority of childcare and housework, regardless of working hours or who earns more. Men have historically taken a back seat in childcare and domestic chores, and baby showers perpetuate the belief that baby business is a woman’s joy – and responsibility – alone.

Trends are beginning to shift with the rise of co-ed baby showers, designed to celebrate both parents playing an active role in raising their child. The breakdown of tired gender stereotypes, which leave women doing most of the childcare, is slowed down by events like all-female baby showers. The hope is that if these celebrations become more inclusive, men might feel more involved with their babies – and both parents become more fulfilled too.