‘I don’t regret opting out’: Readers on why skipping family gatherings can be the best Christmas gift

Independent readers responding to our latest agony aunt column were unanimous: if you don’t get on with your family, ditch them and make Christmas your own.

After one reader wrote in saying they dreaded spending the holiday with relatives whose views clash sharply with their own, Dear Vix suggested ways to stay calm, set boundaries, and challenge offensive remarks without ruining the day.

Other readers had plenty to add. Many shared stories of walking away from tense gatherings, spending the day alone, heading off on trips, or celebrating with friends – and loving it.

Some offered middle-ground solutions: brief visits “to tick a box” or clear limits on how long to stay. Planning ahead, they said, was the secret to a stress-free Christmas.

The overriding advice was simple and empowering: protect your peace, reclaim Christmas, and make it a day you actually enjoy rather than an exercise in pleasing others.

Here’s what you had to say:

We opted out of family Christmases like the one described many years ago and have never regretted it for a moment, and I suspect the people in my family who we didn’t want to mix with were pleased to see the back of us.

The first time we said we were going away and did, and after that we were just firm that we wanted to spend Christmas differently – often alone, or sometimes with friends who we were closer to than any family members.

We spent the day very differently to how we ever had and started to enjoy it. On one Christmas Day, we all ran five miles along a beach, barefoot in the water!

You can do what you want and be who you want to be – you choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.

Go for it.

rEUjoin

There is no law that says you have to spend Christmas with family. If you really don’t get on, next year just don’t do it.

Next November, if you mention to a few people you like that you have decided not to spend Christmas with family but haven’t decided yet what else to do, I can guarantee one of them will invite you to their place.

You won’t be a burden. Most nice people love to share their Christmas with others. When we were younger, we delighted in inviting friends who might otherwise be celebrating alone. It made Christmas special for us too.

Kate

This is something I can partly relate to. I have a sibling with very different politics. We often discuss it and, up until recently, have been quite at ease with our differences. In the last year or so, however, I’ve noticed that his ideas have become much more radical. Even more worryingly, he’s started throwing a few conspiracy theories in.

Like a lot of people, he seems to have been radicalised quite quickly recently, and by his use of common right-wing tropes I can tell that it has happened online. I don’t know what social media he uses, but whatever it is, it has poisoned his mind.

RickC

Genuinely, if Christmas with family is that bad, spend it on your own – you are totally entitled to do so. I’m no fan of Christmas, so I grin and bear it and try to get transferred enjoyment from seeing the kids enjoying themselves.

Rafpi1964

Family is like a poker game: you have to take the cards you are dealt, but you don’t have to play with them.

I don’t understand the logic behind forcing yourself to spend time with people who don’t add anything of value to your life just because you share some genetic material with them.

There are a lot of things you can do with friends or with other members of your family.

And if you have to spend Christmas Day on your own, just embrace it, treat yourself. Do things you always wanted to do, eat food you like, drink and be merry.

KBBL

We have Christmas at home, whereas everyone else gets together. I think they prefer it that way. We pop in in the morning and have a quick sherry with everyone, then leave them to it. Keeps everyone happy and ticks a box.

Slightly Tipsy Max

So next year, well before Christmas, tell your family that you, your partner and family will be having Christmas alone at your own home – you will not be going out to any relatives’ houses, and you will not be inviting any relatives into yours.

This year, just try and let any unpleasantness wash over you. Do not react, do not get involved, just think about how enjoyable your next Christmas is going to be.

DaveAni

Find something else to do and don’t go.

Book a trip or pretend you have, go and see friends, spend it on your own – just do what you want to do and get some distance. It’s probably too late for this year, but resolve to do it next year.

Family will always be family and therefore will always have the ability to needle you, and you’ll never be truly free as there’s a moth-and-flame type genetic attraction. But you can at least control their access to you and your own happiness. It does involve you actually taking control rather than engaging with behaviour you know will have a negative outcome and then complaining about it.

Practicale

Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk

Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.

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