Poetic Licence

With political upheaval and scandal as its keynote, 1999 is ending very much in the style which it has made its own

The Political Controversy DIY Statement Kit

My chairman's shown me:

a) Sympathy

b) His pistol

c) The Lambada

I've also had an offer from:

a) The Lib Dems

b) Highpoint

c) RADA

I've been advised to:

a) Phone a friend

b) Resign

c) Not drive my Jaguar

My wife is:

a) Standing by me

b) Lying down

c) In Nicaragua

The mayor's job is:

a) Challenging

b) Like, wicked maan

c) Teresa's

My backers said:

a) Their offer stands

b) Konichi-wa

c) Oh Jesus

Morale is:

a) French for "bite'

b) My Spanish mistress

c) Down the pan

Though Tony is:

a) Still fuming

b) Sewing bibs

c) A lovely man

After resignation I'm:

a) Relieved

b) Off drugs

c) Plain "mister"

My brother is:

a) Disowning me

b) A circus clown

c) My sister

Though William wants:

a) Apologies

b) The video tapes

c) Me shot

The voters have:

a) Supported me

b) Ignored me

c) Burnt my yacht

My former friend is:

a) Still in Thailand

b) Sheared and dipped

c) Behind me

So please don't:

a) Drag him into this

b) Go bribing him

c) Remind me

I've lost:

a) A bloody fortune

b) All my friends

c) A crack at mayor

I'd like to say:

a) I'm sorry

b) Bugger

c) Any change to spare?