Advertising: Wait till they see <i>this</i> in Uzbekistan

Someone's got to take a stand. Someone's got to speak out against the torrent of filth engulfing television advertising. You may say it's nothing compared to Channel 4 after hours, but that's not the point. We expect it from Channel 4, but advertisers are supposed to be decent business people who've studied accountancy or hotel management and live near Leatherhead in Surrey. So why are they sponsoring all these deeply nudging ads pushing us nearer the brink?

Well, there's a new low now, from an unlikely patron, Greene King IPA, which is some kind of beer. It's about ... I can't bear to tell you. And we're very down on bad language here at the Sindie. Anyway, it involves a dog and a woman and noisy slavering. Are you getting me?

I think it's a UK advertising first. In months to come, Uzbekistan's answer to Chris Tarrant will be screening it to horrified studio audiences to show that the British are decadent and disgusting and all the male population are closet homosexuals.

Anyway, all this (I blame There's Something About Mary and those American New Comedy gross-outs) is in the service of a really feeble, hackneyed old punchline: "Would you say no to another?" The point they're making is that this ghastly Midlands brew is so enthralling, you'd spend hours in the pub enjoying it, putting your lovely wife back home in moral danger with a golden retriever.

She's stretched out on the bed – the room's a cream-on-cream symphony of Kiri Te Kanawa colours – in a pink satin slip waiting for her man to come back so she can inject a little excitement into their sex life. Marie Claire magazine has obviously said soft bondage is the thing, so she ties her hands to the mock-Victorian brass bedstead and slips on a damask blindfold when she thinks she hears him coming.

But Michael's still down the pub. It's Goldie who's padding into the room, and his tongue's hanging out.

As he starts on her feet we cut to Mike down at the Dreary Duck, having another don't-mind-if-I-do. Then it's back to the exterior shot, the lighted window and a loud squeal to show that Goldie's hit the spot.

I would imagine there are going to be a lot of men reassessing the competition now and building high-security kennels. Either that or keeping Goldie strictly in the garage when they're working under the car. See what you've done, Greene King IPA.

peter@sru.co.uk